"Where Have All The Flowers Gone..."

"I know in my heart that man is good. That what is right will eventually triumph. And there is purpose and worth to each and every life."     ~Ronald Reagan

“Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing...” An iconic folk song of the sixties associated with life, getting married, war and death. A song most will remember associated with the Vietnam War and the senseless killings of our American soldier. A song for remembering the era of hippies, flower power, Civil Rights movement and the Feminist movement. It's a song I heard on the radio today that invoked an outpouring of memories from my past.

I gathered my old yearbooks, the ones shoved in a box at the back of my closet, and paid attention to every face on every page. “Where have all the flowers gone” played in the back of my mind when I flipped through those pages. Then unconsciously, the lyrics spilled over my lips and I was singing the tune. With every turn of the page, I saw the faces of the kids I went to grade school, junior high, and high school, and couldn't help but wonder what happened to some of those people. I saw the smiling black and white faces of those who's young lives ended before they ever experienced the world on their own. I saw the faces of those who died a senseless tragic death. I saw a few who was wounded or died serving our country. I saw faces of those who have successful careers, and some who were not so fortunate. I saw mothers and fathers who are now grandparents. And I saw faces of people were were once my friends in a different time. Where have all those faces gone, long time ago?

Some of those people, I have reconnected with through social networking which I am grateful for the connection. Some of those faces never knew my name but only as a face in the hall with a sea of other kids when the class changing bell rang. Others might think, “Oh, her!” with some condescending phrase afterward. And that's all right because its human nature to talk about others. Some of the faces I recognized right off, then others I had to think about for a moment. There were many I liked, some I didn't, one or two I had a crush on, and some I wish I could forget. We all have those memories, good and bad associated with going to school. There might even be someone reading this I went to school with and can associate my former self in their own minds with one of the things I just mentioned. I was a wall flower, I didn't seem to fit in and I was the new girl. Some things you get over, and some things you want to bury. Glancing through many yearbooks and class pictures this afternoon, it all came flooding back.

You wonder about the aggressors, the agitators, the jocks, the class clowns and the cheerleaders. You wonder if they had children, and if they turned out to be the mirror images of the parents. Then you recall the painfully shy kid that stuttered, or the girl who was brutally terrorized in the locker room or the kid that had the worst acne in school. You think of the kid who walked funny or the one who always smelled bad. Then there are some people wouldn't wonder about such things because they were the “in” crowd. Most of those kids thought they held themselves to a higher degree of greatness. They probably wouldn't remember the kid's face who was abused at home, or the one who never had the pleasure of wearing new clothes, or the one that didn't have indoor plumbing. They wouldn't remember the kid who struggled to make it through the day without being bullied or the girl who's phone number or comments was written on the john wall which ruined her life.

It's a funny thing looking at old school pictures. Try it sometime. It conjures up a time some would want to return to live all over again as the best days of their life. In others, it dredges up unpleasant memories which defined the person they would be become for the rest of their lives. “Where have all the flowers gone...young girls picked them every one...when will they ever learn?”



Peter, Paul & Mary
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1QZq-wKaBWc&list=RD1QZq-wKaBWc#t=26

When Inspiration Comes In Waves

When I sat at my desk today with the task of writing at hand, I drew a blank. I do that often. I want to write about something profound, so profound that it invokes a tear, a feeling, or maybe even anger. I'm not an angry person. I know the feeling well, but today, anger is not my agenda.

When someone gives me a book, or I gift a book to someone, they or myself have to write an inscription or a well meaning message of some kind inside, and then of course, date it. Somehow, it makes a great book an even greater personal gift, because there was some thought in the process of picking it out much like picking out a greeting card. I happened to open one of those gift books today and that act prompted this post. The book was a gift from my son for Mother's Day several years back. In it he wrote, “Mom, I hope this helps spark the fire for many more ideas, just like you sparked many of the fires in my life...” Tears welled in my eyes after I read the rest of the message. When I wiped my eyes, I thought how he must have believed in me and my ability to produce the one thing I wanted to do more than anything in my life, and that was to write a book.

I had personal things in my life to conquer so writing was put on hold for a while. Those of you who have read my earlier blogs will understand this unplanned sabbatical. Two books, shorts stories, and a stack of poetry patiently waited for me to return to the beautiful purple heart and cherry wood desk and chair my husband made me. He believed in me too. He always believed in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. I brooded upon the sins and mistakes of yesterday so exclusively that I had no energy and mind left for living a day. Then one day, not long ago, I squinted at this familiar woman in the mirror and said, “I know you. Aren't you the procrastinator?” Well, you know what my answer was, and I said, “Yes, that would be me.” It was on that day, I sat back down at my desk to write.

It is the nature of our minds to create its own conditions whether we live in the past, stay content in the present, or build a beautiful set of wings to glide into our future. Every established mental condition is an acquired habit, and it is by the repetition of our thoughts. A thought constantly repeated will become a fixed habit of the mind, and from such habits proceed the life. So when I told myself I wasn't good enough or that no one was interested in what I wrote, I didn't give myself the opportunity to keep striving for that letter from someone, somewhere that my work was finally accepted. Instead, after a few rejections or lack of response, I tossed my work aside and dabbled again in self pity. It's just like the thief to refrain from stealing when opportunity occurs, because he has lived so long in desirous and greedy thoughts he renders unto his craft.

A dear friend who is a successful author and published playwright reminded me again that she didn't get where she was overnight. It was a compilation of years of hard work, rejections, and perseverance above all. She reminded me that when the right path is begun, success will come if it is not abandoned. First struggle, then victory. “You can do it, and you will do it well,” she affirmed. I promised, like I was ten years old again, I would once again try. As long as I am posting on my blogs, the words are flowing and I am working on other projects as well. It's a nice reprieve from a bigger project. My dad used to tell us kids, “Find something you love to do, then make a career out of it and then you will find happiness in all you do.” I have loved the arts and literature all my life, so dad, if you're smiling down on me right now, and I hope you are, I promise I will finish that damn book and my bucket list will be fulfilled. (Sorry dad, I didn't mean to say damn... :)

Sharing of Time

"One tries to cure signs of growth, to exorcise them, as if they were devils, when really they might be angels of annunciation."

 

 What a release it is to write that you forget yourself, your companions, forget where you are or what you're going to do next...to be so drenched in work your work that you feel you're drenched in sleep or in a body of water. Keystrokes coming alive on the laptop in front of you. Then, pricked by hunger, I rise in a daze for an afternoon snack. Reeling from my self absorption, I come back to the chore of providing nourishment, as if it were a lifeline to reality after almost drowning in a sea of words. I welcome the firm ground under my feet. I hate taking breaks, but I know it's a necessity to reduce a growing number of physical boundaries. Lazily, I grab a bowl of fruit and sit outside in the thick humid air. The lack of blue skies haven't clouded my thoughts but inspired a longing to run again. I hate that the feeling comes often, but I have learned to accept it as my nature.  

 

I have the desire to pack up again and find that place of aloneness by the ocean for a week or preferably more. This time I would like to share a part of it with a girlfriend. Waking to the soft rustling of the palm trees and the gentle sleep breathing rhythm of waves on the shore. We'd run bare-legged to the beach, which lies smooth and glistening with fresh wet shells after the night's tides. The morning swim would be a blessing, a baptism, a rebirth to the beauty and wonder of the world. We'd run back tingling to hot coffee on the front porch. With legs in the sun we'd laugh and plan our day. And since communication is more important to us than chores, the dishes and sweeping sand off the floors will wait.

 

Out on the beach for the afternoon, we would walk the beach in silence, but in harmony keeping track of the sandpipers ahead of us move like a corps of dancers keeping time to some interior rhythm inaudible to us. Intimacy is blown away. Emotions are carried out to sea. We are even free of our thoughts, at least of their articulation, clean and bare as the sun-bleached driftwood, empty as shells, but so willing to be filled again with the impersonal sea, sky and wind. A long afternoon soaking up God's creation.

 

And when we are heavy and relaxed as the seaweed under our feet, we return to the intimacy of our cottage for the evening. We sip wine in leisure in front of a fire. We start dinner and we talk. Because good communication is stimulating as strong coffee, it's hard to sleep after. And so we go out again into the night. We walk up the beach and when we are tired of walking, we lie flat on the sand under a bowl of stars and take in the magnitude of the universe.

 

This is what I thirst for after the smallness of the day, of work, of details, of intimacy and even communication.  I thirst for the magnitude and universality of a night full of stars, pouring into my soul like a fresh tide. Then at last, from the immensity of this heavenly body, we walk back to the small cottage glowing from the mist of darkness with the embers still smoldering in the fireplace.

 

What a wonderful day this would be I think turning it around in my head to its starting point. What has made it so perfect? It was freedom. A setting not cramped in space or in time. It was a balance of physical, intellectual and social life. It had an easy unforced rhythm. A friendship balanced on a shaft of air like a seagull.

 

I am reminded of these kinds of things when I talk to other women friends. We all want the same...a pure relationship not weighted down with irrelevancies, just life itself, the accumulations of life and of time. It is free of ties or claims, unburdened by responsibilities about the future or debts to the past.

 

I realize my life lacks this quality of significance because there is so little empty space. Too many activities, and things to occupy my time. There are too many pages to fill with words, too many hopes and dreams to fulfill.

 

For is it not possible that middle age can be looked upon as a second flowering, a second growth or even a kind of second adolescence? So, when I am reminded by my women friends that sometimes playing with makeup and getting a new hair style matters more, then I will take those few precious moments and run with them with joy in the now, and peace that I am where I am supposed to really be.

 

 

 

Angels Are Among Us

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I am not afraid of dying tomorrow.

I seen yesterday, and I love today."  

                                            ~Louise LaRocque

 

When circumstances in my personal life become too pressing I retreat and seek solitude. It's where I find the strength and wisdom needed to handle the difficult experiences of my life. Two places I am drawn to the most is a wooded area or near a body of water. An inner strength of spiritual nature unfolds and my life becomes more ordered by opening my mind with a great sense of peace.

A few weeks ago I left the hospital where my brother laid unresponsive, and feeling distraught about his rapidly failing health, I sought out a somewhat remote beach on the Gulf side of Florida. After climbing the grassy knolls of rain drenched sand, the brilliance of the setting sun was straight ahead. North of where I stood a few college-aged kids were engaged in playing volleyball. To my south, a disturbance was brewing with not a soul in sight...this is the direction I walked until I felt I was lost in the fine line of water and sand or Heaven and earth. I aligned myself with the setting sun relaxing into the harmony and peace of the presence of my Almighty Creator and begin to pray. I prayed that He have mercy on my brother and release him from his pain and suffering. I prayed that he feel God's loving peace in his mind and within his body. My tears went away and I became calm, serene and relaxed.

The distance between where I started my walk along the shore was long and the sun was becoming a warm glow. I was distracted by an oncoming Kingfisher who looked like he had better days. The disheveled bird's feathers were ruffled and missing and yet he walked towards me with pride and certainty. I watched as he slowly circled around me and stopped at a small pool of water being fed by the tide. He didn't seem to care as I sat down and watched him fish a few feet away as I delighted myself in taking pictures of this wonder of nature. That's when I saw the tiny speck of a person walking the shore. In navy shorts and a teal shirt, a young man with dark tasseled hair drew close. I stood and pointed to the rumpled bird who was feeding at the pool and so the fellow moved away giving a wide berth around the bird and positioned himself beside me for a few moments. His eyes were deep velvety brown and his voice as soothing as the lapping waves, "This is the first time I've ever been to this beach,” he said. “It's a first for me too,” I replied. When I returned his glace he smiled with those gentle eyes and with the voice of a concerned parent soothing a sick child he said to me, “Everything's going to be all right.” I was dumb-stricken when he turned and walked out of my sight. After a minute I turned to follow, I wanted to know how he seemed to know I was praying. I don't know where he went, it's like he just disappeared. As far as I could see along the shore I remained the only one there with the impending storm.

Yes, I believe in angels and I believe this young man with heavenly eyes came to me as a messenger to let me know my prayers would be answered. My brother passed away quietly the following morning. And yes, I do believe in angels.

In memory of Jerry 1940-2014

Strides...

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
~Maya Angelou

“It's no use going back to yesterday, there's no future there...” That sentence made me think. It made me think about the countless tens of thousands of people who can't get beyond their pasts. I know. I mentioned before I'm one insignificant particle in the masses.

I've been making great strides until recently, which is typical for most who suffer from the disease. I started to document what triggers the onset of a new bout of depression. Most of the time I can answer it with one word like; loneliness, jealousy, fear, estrangement, rejection, or grief. Other times, I even documented my depression with the phases of the moon, or if the stars weren't perfectly aligned and even other moments by a word interpreted the wrong way or the lack of love from someone I care about. Doctors prescribe all sorts of magic pills and inspirationalists tell you to look to a higher source. All of the healing hype capitalizes on particular methods prescribed making one or the other the cure. Every situation has a self-help book written by someone who thinks they have the answer, look for yourself on the internet or in bookstores, there's hundreds of them.

I believe God and medication does help, but I have sincerely succumb to the belief it will only happen within a person if they are strong enough, and have the ability to calm the noises in your heart and in your mind. This is what I'm learning as I grow spiritually. To quit fighting life and accept life is not under my control. I don't want my stuff to keep me trapped anymore. I want to throw it all into a particular northern lake and watch the ripples disappear forever.

My therapist friend asked me today if I totally grieved for my losses. I had to think back to several incidents and I replied, “Not completely.” My reasoning was, “because I couldn't do it without someone to lean on.” I felt I had to do it alone because I needed to be strong for another person, and in my worst case, I needed to keep a dark secret that I am only now letting go of.  She then asked why I never asked my family for help, I said it was because we didn't have that kind of family dynamics. Someone might say, “I didn't know.” But in all actuality, did they really want to see what was sealed in the can marked “Worms"? 

Here's another popular quote, “What hurts you today, makes you stronger tomorrow.” In some instances it absolutely applies about life, but not for all. You may think you got over yesterday's hurt, until it sneaks up on you tomorrow...

My mind works like that all the time...it opens, thoughts move around, then closes up again. My growth comes from knowing I am not the meaningless voice of my mind, I am the one who hears it. I know the sun will rise tomorrow morning and it will go down tomorrow night, and an infinite amount of things will go on in this world. I can think about it all I want, but those thoughts will have no effect on anything or anyone, except me. It's not easy applying the methods to obtain a satisfying daily existence, but when my head molds into my down pillow at bedtime and I think of my day with a smile, I know I am breaking down walls one brick at a time. 

Winter and depression's icy hand...

 

 

“And so we came forth, and once again beheld the stars.”

 

In my journey through life, winter is never a good season. It's a suffering that tinges the music of the great composers Liszt, Beethoven, and Chopin, and dances around the darker cantatas of others. I was prepared for the dark hand to hold mine when the clock struck twelve. It tugged and squeezed and it almost won—those who have teetered on the rim, understands this. It goes without saying it's nothing like the ascent to joy from a poet's hand.


Every day I write down my thoughts rather quickly and spontaneously. My paper and pens are my instruments to to write whatever comes to mind—only to be read by my eyes. I speculated in one entry that there was no originality or boldness to speak out frankly about suicide and the impulse towards it. I had apparently underestimated the number of people for whom the subject had been taboo and a matter of secrecy and shame. The overwhelming reaction from others made me feel that I had inadvertently helped many who were eager to come out and proclaim that they too, had experienced some of the same feelings I had described in previous blogs. It was the only time I ever felt it was worthwhile to have invaded my own privacy and to make that privacy public.

When I think of all the doomed and brilliant creative men and women, and the young ones who didn't allow life to happen, I can't help but think of their childhoods, where, to the best of anyone's knowledge, the seeds of depression took strong root. Did any of them have the slightest hint of the psyche's perishability and its fragility? Why did they destroy themselves, while others struggle through the disease of depression? What made me and the tens of thousands who attempted, survive?

No one knows. I don't know. Professionals can only surmise. Some quietly endure the equivalent of physical injuries of never being able to outwardly share their secrets, like the degrading act of rape. For others, warfare, victims of crime, family disappointment, declining careers, failed affairs of the heart and lastly, death. It would be impossible to prove why some people bleed from the inside. It's complex, intermingled factors of abnormal chemistry, behavior and genetics. That is why the greatest fallacy about suicide lies in a single answer. It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul.

The groundhog saw his shadow the other day and six more weeks of winter is predicted. Punxsutawney Phil would be pleased if he could think like you and I, to know I am emerging in a new light with some creative juices flowing. I have been dealt a good poker hand and I feel I'm winning in this game called life. I am writing. I am smiling. I am living in the present with the help of a few patient and wonderful people. It's a tough job staying afloat when someone shouts from the safety of the shore, “Keep treading water!” But if encouragement is tenacious and the support equally committed and passionate—the drowning victim can always be rescued.

Peace and Love.



 

Uncorked...

“The change of life is the time when you meet yourself at the crossroads and you decide whether you want to be honest or not before you die.” ~Katharine Butler Hathaway



I had been totally alienated from my feelings. That's how I protected myself all those years. It took me forever to feel a feeling, much less express it. People would say, “How do you feel?” and I'd say, “Just fine...” It was like learning a different language. It was a process of getting things intellectually, then at a feeling level, and finally being able to act from that position. I began to compartmentalize my life. The parts I kept to myself, the parts my family was allowed to see, and the other parts no one was allowed to see, and the happy face when I went to work. I was trapped in my own body.

I am learning to honor all my feeling, especially the anger and the outrage. One day, a friend of mine said, “You know that you created this because you are the creator of your universe and your soul set this energy into motion. So take responsibility for it and quit mewing about it. Just forgive and move on.”

I became so pissed! I was choked with anger and lashed out like a cornered animal. To this day, we have not totally mended our relationship. Through my sessions, I've learned when you're feeling anger, you need to honor that. If you try to get to the forgiveness before you get to the anger, you're going to fuck the whole thing up. This is exactly what I had done. You have to work from where you are in your gut, not from where you think you should be in your head.

I went through revenge periods. I imagined all kinds of horrible wicked things that resulted in torture, a shotgun aimed at their balls, or a Molotov cocktail thrown at their vehicles. Two wrongs cannot make something right, were the words echoing from within my mind. If I didn't feel love for the child in me who had been raped, I would not have had this internal outrage. Sometimes I sat and felt so much compassion for one of my abusers, I wept. I am letting it all come right on through, and the more I allow all of it to come up, the more I find myself moving to loving myself. The more I tried to block the rage, the more I stay stuck. I reconcile all of this by saying I trust the process. I trust the validity of my outrage. The outrage is because I honor and value and love life.

Circumstances in life change. In retrospect, I owe my daughter my life. From the time my daughter was born, my instincts kicked in, and I was able to nurture her and protect her. Somehow, my love and my desire that this child would not be hurt were strong enough to overcome the obstacles that stopped me from doing other things to harm myself. I literally can say I owe my daughter my life because she awakened that ability in me to mother. Time and time again, when for myself I would have chose to die, I chose to live for her. I knew that somehow it had to stop with me and that I would not pass it on to her. Yet, I didn't seem to know what the “it” was. Everything would have been better if I'd known all of this forty years ago. The one thing I couldn't give my daughter was my happiness, my love of myself. I was able to give her a love for herself, a feeling for her strength, but there was a lot of joy we were never able to share. I weep for that.