“If you enter into healing, be prepared to lose everything. Healing is a ravaging force to which nothing seems sacred or inviolate. As my original pain releases itself into healing, it rips to shreds the structures and foundations I built in having lived a lie. I am experiencing the bizarre miracle of reincarnating, more lucidly than at birth, in the same lifetime.” ~Ely Fuller
When you're abused, your boundaries, your right to say no, your sense of control in the world were violated. You were alone and you were powerless. The abuse humiliated you and gave you the message that you were of little value. Nothing you did could stop it. If you told someone about what happened to you, they probably ignored you, said you made it up, or told you to forget it it'll go away. Some may have even blamed you. Your reality was twisted or denied and you may have felt you were going to go crazy, and resigned to the fact you deserved what you got. You then began to believe the only thing you were good for was sex. Your hopes and dreams are irreversibly changed in a prolonged moment of time. In that terrifying moment, your life actually flashes before your eyes and you focus on an inanimate object, the same kind of inanimate object your Lamaze coach told you to focus on to block the pain of childbirth. The same inanimate object your eye is unintentionally directed to when making love to someone you owe your life to, your soul mate and the father of your children.
People have recently said to me, “Why the hell are you dragging all this crap up now?” “Why? WHY?” I answer. Because there isn’t a facet of my life that hasn't been controlled by it. It's prevented me from living a comfortable emotional life. It's prevented me from loving the people I care about the most clearly and honestly. I don't give a damn if it happened over a hundred years ago. It does matter...it matters to me!
The void I've thrown myself into by letting go of this stuff is incredibly desensitizing, making myself more vulnerable to those who continue to strip me of my dignity. It is raising questions I never planned to openly ask and get answers I didn't expect. There is no turning back. I've committed myself and I know now, my life will never be the same.
